


Bad Puns and Bad Guys Make for a Perfect First Date

by Itch, the_fluffy_unicorn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Gabriel Lives, M/M, Sabriel - Freeform, So yeah, Well sort of anyway, and flirts with Sam all the time, au i guess, but it's total crack even if it looks serious at first, but they are obviously in love, read it we believe it to be quite funny actually, that's it I'm outta tags, they just don't know it yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 16:26:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4794338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itch/pseuds/Itch, https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_fluffy_unicorn/pseuds/the_fluffy_unicorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is stuck researching for a hunt, when someone he didn't expect to see offers him a little help. Shenanigans and hilarity along with near death experiences ensue.</p>
<p>Written in collaboration with <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/Itch/pseuds/Itch">Itch</a> after a joint discovery of perfectly awful Sabriel nicknames =))</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bad Puns and Bad Guys Make for a Perfect First Date

Sam had been sitting in the same spot for hours, up to his ears in research, and still couldn’t figure out what the thing was. Something about it just didn’t add up. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair in frustration, almost falling out of his chair the next moment when he heard a familiar voice behind his back.

“Hey Sambo, what’s shakin’?”

Gabriel caught the chair as Sam nearly knocked it over and he flashed him that stunning smile. Sam glared.

"Jeez Gabe, wear a bell or something." He snapped, pushing his hair out of his eyes and closing the book on the table.

"I bet you'd like me in a collar and a bell." Gabriel quipped back, sitting down opposite Sam, stealing the book from under his hands.

"You wish!" Sam scoffed, trying to snatch his book back, but Gabriel was too fast, and Sam was too tired. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Came to see you Samsquatch, I heard a little prayer inside that head of yours that called out clear as day, please oh Lord send me a gorgeous archangel to help me with my research, and _voila_ " He waggled his eyebrows and flipped through the pages of the book, yawning dramatically.

Sam frowned, trying to remember if he really did think something along those lines while he was distracted with plowing through all seemingly relevant books in the Men of Letters library, but then his brain caught up with Gabriel's joke and he felt the heat creeping up his neck. Yep, he was _way_ too tired. He cleared his throat, willing his bitchface number 34 on. "Are you trying to tell me that you are here to help with this hunt?"

Gabriel rolled his eyes dramatically.

"Yes, Sam-a-lam, I'm trying to tell you I'm here to help on the hunt." He pushed the book back over to Sam and clicked his fingers, a book roughly the same size but obviously older appeared in front of him. "What am I helping you hunt?" He asked, opening his book to the first page.

“Well, that’s the thing I’ve been trying to figure out for the past few hours!”

Sam wanted to ask Gabriel as to why the archangel would want to help him, but he was nowhere near finding out what that thing was, and people were dying, and it needed to be stopped. So he decided to give it a try. After all, Gabriel was a millennia old creature, so if he was offering help it would be the smart choice to accept it and figure out his motives later.

Gabriel scanned over a few pages before propping his chin on his hands and looking at Sam.

"What's this thing doing? Killing and eating? Killing? Scaring? Gotta give me something to work off if you want me to scan my millennia old brain and work out what we're killing." His eyes scanned Sam's face. He was tired, really tired, dark shadows under his eyes. Sam needed to sleep, soon.

“Hey, stay out of my head!” Sam snapped, glaring at Gabriel. “If you really wanna do this together, how about you respect my privacy?”

"Whoa, whoa! Okay there, Sammy, I'll back out your squeaky bits." Gabe winked, before his face went stony again. "But seriously, you gotta tell me what this thing is doing."

Sam glared at him a little longer, just for good measure, before sighing and retrieving his notepad.

“Killing. Drowning, actually. Not sure about the eating part, the vics’ bodies seem intact, but we’ll have to check autopsy reports when we get there to be sure. I just wanted to get at least some idea of what we might be up against before actually going in there. My first thought was a vengeful spirit, but it’s a peaceful town, no violent deaths on record. And no reports about seeing weird things either. People just started drowning all of a sudden. Usually one a night, but there were two bodes one night a week ago, and three yesterday. And the victims have nothing in common. At all.”

Gabriel thought for a second before magicking away the book in front of him and snapping in another one.

"Unconnected civilians are being drowned... right, okay. Listen, Samsquatch, why don't you go take a nap over there on the couch, I'll research and wake you up in an hour, you look dead on your feet." He crooked his finger, pulling the battered couch over with his Grace without even looking, just poring over the Enochian book in front of him.

Sam wanted to argue with that, but Gabriel had a point. He was beat, and could really do with a nap. He sighed and plopped down onto the couch, trying his best to get comfortable despite the fact that the couch was too small for his long legs. Any couch was too small for him, so that was nothing new. “Just don’t forget to wake me up, Gabe. We still have to get there, and we need to do it as soon as possible.” Sam grumbled, turning his back to the archangel and falling asleep instantly, as if someone flipped the off switch in his brain.

Gabriel rolled his eyes and mocked Sam under his breath.

"Don't forget to wake me up - of course I won't, I'm the one who suggested you nap." Gabriel glanced over at Sam who seemed scrunched up on the couch. He smiled softly and used his Grace to extend the couch just enough to make him seem more comfortable. He turned back to the book, reading fast, skipping anything like a vampire or a werewolf - these creatures wouldn't drown their victims.

Half an hour later Gabriel was distracted from his book by some sort of noise. At first he couldn’t figure out what it was exactly and why it was bothering him so much to hear it, but then the noise grew louder, and he tossed the book aside, turning in his chair, frowning. Sam was breathing heavily and slightly whimpering in his sleep, tossing and turning his head on the pillow.

Gabriel slowly closed the book, watching Sam squirm on the couch, obviously in the throes of a nightmare. He kept watching Sam, growing more and more uneasy. The final straw was drawn when Sam whined loudly, hyperventilating. Gabriel stood up, sitting on the floor by Sam's head.

"I-it's okay Sammy." He whispered, gently placing his hand on Sam's head, running his thumb over Sam's hair.

Sam woke up with a start, and blinked up at Gabriel, whose face was too close for some reason.

“Ga… Gabriel? You’re here? Wha – why – what happened?” He frowned, confused, still half-asleep and not really registering that Gabriel’s hand was still gently stroking his hair.

"Whoa, whoa, calm down there." He said, leaning back, giving Sam some space, just leaving his hand on Sam's hair. "I'm here researching, helping you. And you were having a nightmare Sam-a-lam, you wanna have a manly heart to heart about it?"

“Hear about what? Did you find something?” Sam’s brain was finally back online, and he was slightly embarrassed by the whole situation. He began pushing on his elbows to sit up against the armrest, but froze mid-movement as he realized that Gabriel’s hand was in his hair.

"Umm... Gabe? What are you doing?"

"Currently? I'm kneeling here on the floor with my hand on your hair because you were having a nightmare and I was trying to comfort you." He gave Sam a stunning smile, withdrawing his hand from Sam's hair. "I did find a link in the vics though so I didn't just sit over there watching you sleep."

“Oh. Okay, so.” Sam cleared his throat, sitting up and facing Gabriel. “So. What did you find?”

"All of the victims were at the same bar before they died. The Watered Down Dog." He threw Sam his jacket, stretching his arm above his head. "You wanna go along and see if you can spot anything out of the ordinary?"

“How did you find that out? It wasn’t mentioned in the reports!”

"I made a few phone calls." He clicked his fingers, summoning himself a lollipop and popping it into his mouth. "Now get that fine ass to the bar and have yourself an investigation."

“Now? You wanna zap me into that bar? Aren’t you coming with?” Sam moved away from Gabriel’s outstretched hand a little, putting his jacket on absent-mindedly.

"You need me to hold your hand? C'mon Samson you can brave this alone." Gabriel sat back down at the table and pulled the lollipop from his mouth, licking it. "Remember if you need me just shoot a prayer my way and I'll be there in a flash."

Sam reached for his boots, mulling over the idea in his head. He thought about calling Dean, because he knew all too well that Dean would most likely flip at his taking up this hunt alone. But he wasn’t alone, he reminded himself. Gabriel was helping him. “And he’s doing that why exactly?” Said Dean’s voice in his head, and Sam realized that it would just be a lot easier to talk to his brother when the job was done. He tied his shoelaces, grabbed his knife and his gun and stood up, facing Gabriel.

“Okay. Let’s get this over with.”

Gabriel clicked his fingers, throwing Sam outside The Watered Down Dog in the downtown district. He then picked up the book and kept reading, tuning in and out of Sam's thoughts to make sure everything was okay. He wasn't going to lose Sam, especially because he knew Dean would flip out if he did. He was still reading, trying to find out what was going on.

Sam fought the dizziness and managed to stay on his feet. Travelling via angel express wasn’t exactly the most comfortable thing, and he couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for his brother who got zapped places a lot more often than he did. He pushed the door open and entered the bar, quickly scanning the place before making his way up to the counter. The bar was run-down and dingy, but definitely not the worst one he had ever set his foot in.

“Can I have a beer, please?” He asked the bartender, giving him a polite smile. The bartender nodded and placed a tall glass on the counter in front of him a few moments later. There weren’t too many people in the bar, and Sam figured he would have to stick around for a while.

“You new in town?” The bartender asked, obviously jumping at the opportunity to talk to someone, as there wasn’t much for him to do.

“I’m… just passing through, actually.” Sam said, taking a swig of his beer. Might as well start with the bartender, as there was nobody else around he deemed worth talking to.

"You hear about them drownings? Awful stuff." The bartender wiped down the counter, and a gorgeous woman sauntered up to Sam, perching herself on the stool beside him.

"Heya sugar, can I trouble you for a drink?" She purred, crossing her legs. Sam wasn't sure why, but he felt a compulsion to buy her a glass of wine. They sat there talking for a while, both drinking slowly. As they finished their third drinks of the night, she leant over and whispered in Sam's ears.

"Shall we go somewhere private handsome?"

Sam gulped as the tone of her voice sent shivers down his spine. He found himself nodding enthusiastically, and she slipped her arm around his waist, pulling him out of the bar before he was even able to register what was going on. He felt as if he was roofied or something. His mind was hazy and it was difficult to concentrate on any thought. He shook his head, trying his best to think back. Hunting. Right, he was hunting, he was there to investigate, not to pick up some random girl at a bar! He tried to move away, but the girl had a surprisingly strong hold on him. “Why don’t we take a walk, honey, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? A walk down by the lake sounds so nice right now, doesn’t it?” Sam felt her hot breath as she whispered into his ear, her lips brushing against his earlobe. He smelled something odd, something out of place, like sea water and rotting seaweed, and he suddenly had a very strong urge to get into the water as soon as possible.

“Yeah”, he managed to croak out. “Yeah a walk to the lake is just the thing I need right now.”

Gabriel found a chapter in the book that was suddenly very relevant.

"Kelpies." He hissed, slamming the book shut, cursing himself for being so stupid as to not realise it before. He got up and snapped himself to the front of the bar, bursting in through the door. It was in this moment he was irritated as Castiel for the angel wards on Sam's ribs meaning he couldn't find him where ever he was.

"You seen a guy, about yay high?" Gabriel stood on tiptoes, talking to the bartender, eyes glancing over the beer bottle and wine glass on the counter.

“Sorry man, can’t really say. My shift just started fifteen minutes ago and you were the first one to come in.”

"Shit. Okay, well, if there like a body of water near here, preferably a lake but a river will do." He tapped his foot, worried about Sam.

Meanwhile Sam was standing waist deep in the water, shirtless, as the woman walked in slowly in front of him.

"C'mon honey, come deeper with me. The water feels so good." She purred, and Sam didn't know what was coming over him but he did. As he got up to his chest she slid her hands up his chest and onto his shoulders, fingernails digging into the skin. It was then he slid out of the trance and realised what he was doing.

"Gabriel, HELP!" He prayed as loud as he could as the woman pushed him under the surface of the water.

He pushed and kicked to get away from her, but it felt like she was everywhere and there was no escape. He tried not to panic and reached for his knife, but it wasn’t there. Neither was his gun, although it would have been useless under water anyway. Finally, he managed to kick her – it – hard enough to push himself away and up to the surface, but as soon as his head popped up above the water, something hit him on the head, and everything went dark.

Gabriel heard the prayer and he didn't care someone was watching, he snapped himself straight to Sam, getting there just in time to watch Sam keel over and land in the water face down.

"Hey, fish lady." Gabriel shouted, unleashing part of his true form, the six golden wings expanding out from his back and he launched at the woman, sinking his angel blade into her sternum.

The Kelpie screeched and exploded, leaving nothing but a pile of goo behind, and the second it was over Gabriel took hold of Sam’s unconscious body, snapping them both onto the shore. He kneeled next to Sam, running his hand along his jaw, checking for internal damage, relieved to see that he was mostly fine. “Got me scared a little there, kiddo.” He murmured, stroking his thumb against Sam’s cheek.

Sam was slowly drifting back to consciousness, feeling safe and warm. He should have been surprised about that, because the last thing he remembered was being drowned by some kind of monster chick from the bar. But he just couldn’t bring himself to care, because whatever it was, it felt amazing. It felt like a Sunday morning, with sunlight poring through the windows, and a light breeze stirring the curtains, bringing in the smells of freshly cut grass, sweet summer flowers, strawberries and cream, and just a hint of a distant thunderstorm: the smell of rain and ozone. “Gabriel”, Sam said, opening his eyes, staring at something above his head with awe. “Gabriel, are those… Those are your wings?”

"Whu? Yeah, yeah they are. I'm faster and better at fighting with them out." He smiled and ruffled them a little, shaking the water off them. Gross, he hated wet feathers. "Ew, wet feathers." He stroked Sam's cheek softly and smiled down at him. "Anyway, you're safe Sam-a-roo, I saved you." he winked playfully and blew Sam a kiss. He was glad Sam was okay, that he was safe. He sat there on the grass, his back to the water, and he didn't see the figure rising from the water behind him.

“Yeah”, Sam said softly. “Yeah you did. Thanks, Gabe.” He was still lying on the ground, hidden from the rest of the world by Gabriel’s wings, feeling like staying there forever. But then he caught something, he wasn’t sure what exactly, a glimpse of a movement? A faint rustle? – And before he knew it, he jumped onto his feet and plunged Gabriel’s blade into the figure looming over the archangel’s back. The creature shrieked and exploded, and in an instant it was over. Gabriel was already on his feet, looking at Sam with a mixed expression on his face.

Sam looked at the archangel blade in his own hand, and tossed it back to Gabriel, chuckling lightly.

“It looks like I just saved yours, too.” Sam said, grinning at the archangel.

Gabriel stood there, eyes wide as Sam snatched his angel blade away and stabbed other Kelpie.

"Oh. Well, thanks kiddo!" He said, fluttering his wings so he'd hover, and he ruffled Sam's hair. "You want me to zap us home now?" he asked, wiping the goo off the angel blade and tucking it back into his pocket, furling his wings closer to his back.

Sam grinned wider at the hovering archangel, who looked a little bit like a giant and wet disapproving sparrow. “Yeah, sure, but shouldn’t we check to make sure that there are no others left?” Sam asked, nodding at the pile of goo the second creature left behind. “What are they, by the way? Good that your blade works, but I’m pretty sure it would work on anything.”

"Kelpies, water horse demons. They're human one second, then horses that eat you the next. And they either hunt alone, or in pairs, never in larger groups." He smiled at Sam and snapped them back to the bunker, sticking Sam back on the couch and himself by the table.

"Get some more sleep, Samshine, you look like death warmed up."

“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep with all that adrenaline in my system.” Sam said, looking at Gabriel incredulously. “And… ‘Samshine’, Gabe? Really?”

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "Fine, Sam _whine_ , don't sleep." He sat beside him on the couch, putting his hands behind his head and yawning. "Not my fault if you're tired later on."

For a few seconds Sam was silent, processing his words, and then burst out laughing, throwing his head back and slapping his hands on his knees. “Oh my God, Gabe! This… this is horrible!”

Gabriel was flustered and he stammered slightly as he retorted.

"Oh yeah? W-well you do better asshole." He nudged Sam with his wing and rolled his eyes, chuckling at the same time. _Samwhine_.

Sam was still laughing, batting Gabriel’s wing away as the archangel kept smacking him lightly. His fingers slipped through the feathers, making Gabriel shudder. “Hey, did I hurt you?” Sam asked, frowning in concern.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! No you didn't." he yanked his wing back away from Sam's touch. _Jeez_ did he not know that touching an angel's wing was basically caressing their dick. Not that he would _mind_ Sam doing that, but at the same time he didn't want Sam to know that.

“ You sure?” Sam was still a little concerned, but he looked at the flustered angel sitting next to him, and something clicked in his brain. He smirked and moved a little closer, reaching out a hand to get to Gabriel’s wings. “Do you mind if I do it again then?”

Gabriel stared at Sam as if he was crazy.

"No, Sammich, I don't mind if you do it again, but only as long as you know that touching wings is an intimate gesture in angel culture." He said before stretching out the golden feathered limbs.

“Yeah?” Sam leaned a little closer, licking his lips. “Mind telling me how intimate it is, exactly?”

"It's generally only done between mates, and angels who're interested in other angels. Our wings are the visual representation of our grace, it's like seeing and touching our souls." His face was bright pink due to the look Sam was giving him. "You okay there Samshine?"

Sam leaned closer to Gabriel’s ear, and lowered his voice. “Yeah”, he said. “Yeah, I’m more than okay, _Babe-riel_.”

Gabriel sat there, stunned for a second, before blinking rapidly, staring right at Sam.

"Baberiel? BABERIEL? Really Samaroo, _Baberiel?"_ Then he burst out laughing, laughing so hard that tears came into his eyes.

Sam sat back, grinning at the laughing archangel. “You have to admit”, he said. “I did do better. _Baberiel_ is the worst nickname pun ever.”

**Author's Note:**

> We hope you enjoyed reading it and all of your comments, criticisms and kudos are very much appreciated! <3


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